Meet Mary
Ciao! I am Mary. Welcome to my journey.
Just like all moms, my mom periodically tells me stories of my childhood that I don’t have the slightest recollection of. They’re always the same stories. Regardless of how many times I have heard the tale, mom’s anecdotes are always a heartwarming reminder of simpler times. Except for one … at some point during my kindergarten year a boy in my class called me chubby. That night while eating dinner I asked my mom, “What does chubby mean? Alex called me chubby”. My mom finds the story adorable, but to me it marks the beginning of my childhood-long physical and mental struggle with my weight. It marks the moment I realized I was fat.
I spent my entire childhood with a light spirit and a heavy body. As a 5’5” 230 lbs freshman you can imagine the humiliation and guilt I felt attending a public high school. Though my obesity undeniably filled my life with an ocean of mental anxiety, my playground confusion of being “chubby” had yet to be clarified. I was your average sociable, and intelligent all around well-versed teenager. In addition to being a talented student, I was active in sports and forensics. Outside of the classroom I was active in my church and close to my family. In most ways, my weight was couldn’t hold me back.
Of course, in some ways it did. As a fashion connoisseur, it was crushing to drool all over my copy of Vogue knowing I could never fit into the designer dresses that I dreamed of wearing to prom. (The “never” in that pessimistic sentence is where I was wrong, but I’ll get there later.) And of course I had never had a boyfriend. It’s easy to say “the right one will love you at any size”. I am not entirely sure that’s true, but regardless, I told myself that I was happy being alone and that I was too good for all those boys any way. Dating just wasn’t significant enough of a reason to start losing weight. My life was pretty much the same for 15 years that is until …
On December 10th 2009, I went to a ____ game with some friends. There I set eyes on a dorky-looking blond boy, and my life was destining to change. As an attractive and talented athlete, he was out of my league. From that point on I knew I needed to lose weight. At first I put the thought to rest because he was simply too good to ever date me. About a month later I talked to him as a joke, but he didn’t take it that way. He ended up being the nicest guy ever. He treated me like no guy ever had. Even after seeing what I looked like he constantly contacted me just wanting to chat. I felt so special talking to him. I would always blush when he called me “cutie”, and I would spend hours just reading over our old emails and texts. I was the first girl who didn’t like him just because he was a ____ player. I had fallen for this boy – hard.
For the first time in my life I felt like a boy liked me. Regardless, I couldn’t take it a step further. I just wasn’t confident to pursue a relationship with a guy I liked as much as I liked him. I liked him so much that I began to transform myself into the beautiful women I felt like on the inside. Time flew past and I was losing weight, but slowly. June 2010 I committed to not talking to him until I was skinny. I cut off all contact. Just stopped talking to him. (We weren’t close enough that it was a huge deal and reviving our friendship eventually shouldn’t be an issue.) I realized that I needed to focus on losing weight, and I wasn’t in a good mindset to deal with boys.
Between the beginning of 2010 and the end of the summer I lost over 30 pounds and broke into ONEderland (out of 200+ lbs category that is). I still felt unsuccessful. Even after so much work I was huge. Then I began to take shit seriously. I was on a very strict diet for the first few months and followed it religiously. I ate even less than the diet required and exercised twice a day (+practice). This made me drop 50 lbs between September and March. It also made my hair thin and my skin sag. I learned my lesson and will never do that to myself ever again.
During March I went on Spring Break to Italy and Switzerland. It changed my life. For the first time ever men wanted me. (And it’s Europe so this was magnified by a million.) I thought that I was hot shit. I ate gelato, pizza, and pasta all day every day. Somehow I managed not to gain a pound over those two weeks. But when I got back I found it hard to start dieting again due to the distorted mindset I was in. I have maintained my weight, but haven’t yet finished my weight-loss journey.
I am anxious to talk with him. He is a professional ___ player now. I hope he hasn’t changed too much. If he is the guy I always thought he was, he’ll be just as sweet and down-to-earth as before. I periodically see him on TV, and even sat in the crowd and watched one of his games this year. My heart aches in an indescribable way when I see him. He has contacted me a couple times, and as hard as it was, I never responded. I am sticking to my promise that I will reach my goal weight (115 lbs) before talking with him again. I know it makes me seem like a bitch, but right now I need to focus on making myself healthy and gaining confidence. When I reach a place in the world where I am happy, then maybe I’ll be ready for him.
In case you were wondering, I did wear a gorgeous designer gown to my senior prom where I was crowned prom queen. Last week I ran 8 miles and remembered my freshman year of highschool when I had trouble running 100 yards. My life has completely changed for the better, and as I continue my journey it is destine to continue bettering.
Thank you for your support, and stay tuned for the end of my story.
For more information on my dieting history, check out the other pages.
* In order to preserve my privacy I refrain from disclosing personnel information about him. Including his name, jersey number, the teams he has played for, where he is from, the sport he plays … etc. I don’t this to become a fan blog …
Name: Mary
Age: 19
Home: Red Deer, Alberta, Canada
Other blogs:
Travel - talesofavagabond.tumblr.com
Fashion - hautemary.tumblr.com
Food - i-am-too-fat-for-this.tumblr.com
Mountains - silvery-mountain-tops.tumblr.com
Favourites-
Book: The Power of One
Movie: A River Runs Through It
Show: Sex and the City
Musician: Tegan and Sara
Athlete: Roger Federer
Place: Zürich, Switzerland
Things I find fascinating…
Watches. Travel. Boats. Crowns. Hockey. Haute Couture. Volleyball. Reading. BlackBerry. Murderers. School. Tennis.
More Pictures:
